Image provided by Unsplash, taken by Forest SImon
Confessions of the Socially Inappropriate…
Have you ever felt out of your depth? A fish out of water? Terrified to open your mouth in case you reveal yourself to be utterly inappropriate? Do you become Bridget Jones in certain circumstances or around particular people? Yes? Me too. My inner Bridget shows up when socialising is required.
I have often struggled with the light, cappuccino froth of social chit-chat when forced to ‘socialise’. Spending superficial time with those I don’t know, I have watched others in awe, dumbfounded.
I remember taking mental notes at an evening meal with colleagues, when a sweet-natured soul entertained the table for a full 20 minutes with a tale of a raincoat and its buttons… it was just amazing to watch.
How could she imagine that this tale would hold the interest of anyone for more than 30 seconds? It was the dullest tale. It was all froth and nothingness. But it worked superbly.
Because the unwritten Rule Number One of socialising, I realised (awfully late in life) is: For God’s Sake Don’t Say Anything Important.
As long as you have words coming in a steady stream from your mouth and you smile incessantly, with plenty of giggles along the way, all will be well.
Rule Number Two was: Whatever You Do, Fill the Silence. (Without breaking Rule Number One). I ran away, screaming. (Inside my head…)
I spent that evening, as on most other occasions of forced social functioning, sitting in silence, watching others talk, wondering how long I had to stay before leaving would be acceptable. Somehow, although I love people, and I can talk and listen deeply, connecting at a soul to soul level, I’ve felt exposed and awkward when sustained light conversation is required. I have to stop myself asking deep questions, for fear of being inappropriate.
The Enneagram has revealed the cause of this dynamic for me, I no longer feel the sense of shame that being in social situations used to trigger. If you know the feelings I’m describing, this information will free you, too. That needs a blog of its own. (Following shortly, I promise!)
The fear of exposure, of criticism, of being deemed inappropriate - it’s a powerful preventative for anyone daring to speak or write things for an unknown audience. Starting to blog is a big step for me. publishing my thoughts to a world of people I haven’t connected with, that’s a huge ask.
I could just throw the towel in. In the past, I probably would have done just that.
But now, things are different.
Nourished by the love of my friends, sibs and my Beloved — I wouldn’t be upright without these glorious people in my life — I have a new response to anxiety and fear.
Nowadays, in a moment of worry, I turn to the Inner Being I created for myself. Her name is Amelie. I created her a while back, when I realised how toxic my inner talk had become.
Most of us are pretty tough on ourselves inside our heads. I’d reached a point of realisation: my Inner Critic was causing mayhem. Very subtly, over years of accumulated nit-picking and condemnation, she had pervaded every area of my life with her nasty whispers. I hadn’t noticed the takeover, it was slow and insidious.
It had to stop.
I decided that, as I’d made such a success of unconsciously imagining an inner critic to scold me, there was nothing stopping me from consciously creating an inner champion, Amelie, to do the opposite and better.
So I did.
I started writing to my champion, Amelie as a form of journaling. I’d always wanted to journal, but had never been able to sustain it before — my thoughts never seemed that interesting… Once I had created my champion, journaling became the foundation of a relationship. I’d write to Amelie. I’d write back from her, assuming her stance of absolute confidence, appreciation and love.
Amelie’s superpower is her focus on emotion. She brings my emotional state up. That’s her job. And when I’m feeling better, my world is better. I can be more resourceful, more trusting, more creative. The challenges I face are manageable when my emotions have been lifted.
With Amelie, I can never be inappropriate. She will never make me wrong. Amelie doesn’t judge me, she is with me every step of the way. She doesn’t care what others think. She doesn’t care if my endeavours succeed or fail. She is only interested in helping me get into my flow so I can enjoy the ride.
If I’m in my flow, the best of me shows up in the world — I can be loving, inspired and generous — because that’s who I am. Because that’s who we all are at heart.
————
Below, I’ll share a conversation I had with her just a few days ago, when plagued by: ‘But I can’t write anything meaningful without being inappropriate’. The real fear is one of rejection — sound familiar? Most writers go through this, many feel it frequently. So too does anyone who’s daring to create something of their own and put it out there in the world. We worry about what others will think. We’re afraid of being laughed at, looked down upon, criticised for being ‘the wrong stuff’.
To begin with, the fear of being rejected by an unknown audience was so subtle inside me, I could hardly feel it. It was just a flatness. A lack of anima. A subtle, numb nothingness. I thought I was okay…
(When I write as Amelie, I use bold, italicised font. I create her responses. Just making her up helps such a lot.)
———-
Hi Amelie, I’d like to be able to get started on a blog, really quickly - like in the next 15 minutes. What do you think?
That sounds wonderful to me, Amanda. Go for it!
But now I’m feeling completely uninspired. Suddenly I want to go and clear out a kitchen cupboard, or unpick the ridiculous hat I knitted for Beloved, which wound up being twice the size of his head…
Ah, procrastination in all its loveliness appears, yes?
Yes. It’s so frustrating. Just when I need my wits about me, they scatter like chickens in the face of a fox.
Well, you know what I always say, Amanda… Go to the feelings. Don’t let’s get caught up in the storyline, or in trying to figure out what’s going on. Remember Einstein’s brilliant words about not being able to solve a problem using the same thinking that created it?
Yes, indeed. Okay, so no trying to wrestle this procrastination to the ground then?
Absolutely not. Total waste of energy. And it will create more of the same, not less. Let’s not feed the unwanted experience. Let’s free up your system by releasing the lower energy of the feelings you’ve got stuck in the way.
Okay, so it feels like…
Anxiety and fear — what if I publish a piece and people hate it? What if they think I’m ridiculous? Inappropriate?
Criticism. My nemesis.
Well done, that’s the nub of it. Just these two emotions causing the trouble.
So, welcome them. Love them for the service they do for you. They are telling you that your thoughts about this are way off beam. That you are not seeing this the way I see this. These emotions are blessed messengers. They’ve done a great job of stopping you in your tracks to realign.
They sure have! Okay, so I’m imagining the emotions, they’re almost like little children, needing a hug and some reassurance. I’m giving them that and I’m thanking them for their help, showing me I’m off track.
That’s wonderful Amanda. Good. Allow the emotions, don’t resist them. Then imagine placing them outside yourself, as you breathe out.
I love doing that. I have a huge Tibetan prayer bowl in my mind. I imagine it has walls of love and magic. When I touch the walls of the bowl, I release all negative emotions into the bowl and receive reassurance and compassion in their place.
That’s gorgeous! Now you’ve released the anxiety and fear, turn your attention to what you’d like to be feeling instead.
Confidence. Enthusiasm. Inspiration.
Excellent. Imagine coming to me - I’m in your favourite place, by the sea. I have all the thoughts, beliefs and emotions you could ever want. Confidence, enthusiasm, inspiration in abundance.
These emotions are the core of your being. They tell you that you are aligned with your true self. With me. But I can’t bring them to you. I can’t leave this space. I hold these constantly in full flow for you. You must come to me. Leave your anxiety and fear and come to me.
Brilliant! how lovely to imagine those emotions being kept flowing for me! I breathe them in as I imagine being with you, soothed by the ocean, feeling your reassurance and love.
There you are, Amanda. Joy and light. Laughter and ease. That’s who you are. You are the light, Amanda. It doesn’t matter what others see. Their opinions don’t matter. Alignment brings you home. Every time.
Thanks Amelie. I think that’s the thing - it really doesn’t matter what others think.
It’s a good enough starting place, isn’t it?
It sure is Lovely, it sure is.
Okay. I’m good. I can feel a blog coming on…!
Thanks.
You’re welcome. Any time.
————
The imagination is a powerful and underused tool. There is much to be gained from practising it more consciously.
“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.”
— Albert Einstein
There is a growing bank of research showing us that in certain areas of its functioning, the mind cannot tell the difference between real and imagined experiences. If we become masters of our own imagination, who knows what we will create as our beliefs and emotions become aligned to who we want to be and all we want to achieve?
If you are exploring your own Inner Champion, or are just trying to talk yourself through a tricky patch of worry, see what happens when you simply name the emotion, visualise releasing it and then imagine a safe space for you to connect with the way you’d really like to feel instead.
Sending every encouragement,
Amanda