Inner Champion

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If Failure Fills Your Rearview Mirror —  Check for Impostor Syndrome

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Keeping my head above water was all I’d ever known. I hadn’t realised there could be so much more to life…

I was somewhat overawed by the giant of a man sitting next to me at the wedding table. Evidently, he had lived an awesome life, in the deepest sense of the word.

Normally a fish out of water on social occasions, I was fortunate to have such a talkative table-mate. My gratitude for his willingness to fill the silence turned swiftly to captivation as the man’s stories poured out around our melon-sorbet starters and halloumi fillet mains.

He spoke with passion about the two women to whom he had given his heart. He spoke about the company he had fashioned, Zeus-like, out of the clay of his youth. He told of its subsequent collapse and of rebuilding from the rubble.

He described in detail the family he has sired and clearly dotes upon… His pale eyes filled up as he spoke of each child and grandchild in turn. His tenderness was beautiful to behold.

And then the dreaded moment came.

As summer fruits arrived for dessert, his blissful narration stopped.

He asked, ‘So, what have you done with your life?’

Ouch.

Jeezy creezy. How could I say, ‘I’ve survived it. That’s about as far as it goes’?

After a moment of absolute panic, I started to mumble on about something career-related to fill the void as best I might for a while but the question really hit home. Four decades and more I’d been on the planet. How tragic to look back on all that life and just think, ‘I’m surviving!’

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Is Your To Do List Torturing You?

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‘To Do’ Lists Made Me Ill.

Actually, that’s not true. It wasn’t the lists that made me ill, it was my failure to live up to them.

To Do Lists used to be a constant reminder of my inability to make the basics work. I knew they were proven to be a good thing. I knew the key elements of a good one.

  • Prioritisation.

  • Realistic timeframes.

  • Chunking down tasks.

I knew the To Do List instructions. I just couldn’t follow them. As soon as an item joined my list every fibre of my being seemed to rebel against the doing of it. A core ‘I’m inadequate,’ belief was calling the shots, colouring my view, forcing my hand.

I’d write the list with a sigh and then sabotage all attempts to follow it. I can’t tell you how often a day would end without my reaching number one on the blessed thing…

If your ‘To Do List’ is torturing you, I feel your pain.

The Problem of Wanting What we Haven’t Got — and How to Alleviate it

The Problem of Wanting What we Haven’t Got — and How to Alleviate it

…The misery of lack…

Alexis de Tocqueville’s observation in 1831, traveling the “new world” of America:

“I have seen the freest and best educated of men in the happiest circumstances the world can afford; yet it seemed that a cloud hung on their brow and they appeared serious and almost sad […] because they never stopped thinking of the good things they have not yet got.”

I don’t know about you, but I have spent a lifetime being tortured by seemingly out-of-reach desires. So much so that I couldn’t enjoy any of the things I already had. I have lived a rich and beautiful life: snorkelling, diving, martial arts, writing, teaching, learning, theatre, singing, dance and more, all bathed in the deep abiding love of my husband and my friends.

The fact is, there is no worse feeling than the despair of not being able to be, do or have what we want. It may sound like spoiled toddler thinking, but it runs through every moment of human existence. We have desires. Unless we reach Nirvana — ‘extinguishing’ the suffering cycle, we are faced with the reality of restless energy ever seeking more.

Addictive and double-edged; when we believe we can fulfil desires, we feel wonderful. Exaltation. Jubilation. Life is exciting. A thrilling ride. But the buzz of achieving one dream can become an endless chase for more, bigger, better… These desires, run rampant, can rot a life of luxury as well we all know.

When desires feel like needs, when we feel unsafe because of our perceived lack, it‘s torture.

Lessons from a Life Un-lived – Making friends with our fears

Lessons from a Life Un-lived – Making friends with our fears

Three steps to making friends with your fear…

Hurtling towards the rocks as the Dordogne opened out into a massive toothy grin, I wondered if taking a lesson or two might have been wise before leaping into this kayak for my virgin trip.

Don’t hit that great big rock, don’t hit that great big rock, don’t hit that…. bloody hell.

All my ‘don’t-ing’ drew me (of course) to the biggest rock of the bunch, with the force of a junkyard, car-lifting magnet. I was about to be scrapped.

I remember an insane prioritising of sandals over paddle as the kayak crunched and capsized. I grabbed for my footwear as the boulder bit and I watched the blade swoosh away on the current… Well, at least I wouldn’t die without footwear…

Duck, Duck, Dare… Finding confidence to play in the snow

It was pure comedy: a Tik Tok clip of a flock of 30 ducks or more, pouring out of their shed like noisy molasses, onto the surrounding sloped land, only to discover unexpected snow. To a bird, they responded as one.

First, scanning the weirdly white world, heads swivelled in alarm as the flock stood still. They shared a brief ‘What the f**k?!’ moment as they registered the shocking state of affairs.

Then, at a three-quarter flap, their fluid formation turned on its communal webbed heel, flowing right back up the little hill and into the safety and warmth of the shelter.

The whole thing was over in less than a minute. The birds moved like liquid, all as one, of one mind, with one response to this frozen world of crunchy white.

I’m still grinning. It feels like it should be a child’s game, Duck, Duck Dare…
But where am I going with this?

Well, nearly right back into the shed, in truth.