Today’s been tough. Emotions all over the show. I found myself envying the Queen her letting go of all of life’s struggles recently…
Yes, a tougher day today than of late.
But one thought runs like a lifeline through it.
“Come to the infinite dimension.”
From a dismal beginnings it’s become like spending a day with The Ancient One! (Ninja mystic monk-sorceress in Marvel’s Dr Strange.) Beaten up regularly but always restored. Life being ruthless, yet kind…
No clinging to flotsam to stay afloat on the ocean. It’s all going under eventually…
A shipwreck in a ruthless storm, that’s a pretty good metaphor for my early experience following the death of my soulmate.
I was going to say a ‘killer’ storm, but this storm doesn’t show that much mercy.
I don’t die. Much though (at times) I’d like to. The ocean buffets me around like an orca tossing a seal it has no hunger for — I’m grief’s plaything, a cruel amusement…
“I cannot think too much; I dare not think too deeply, or else I will be defeated, not merely by pain but by a drowning nihilism, a cycle of thinking there’s no point, what’s the point, there’s no point to anything.” — Chimamanda Ngazi Adichie
Grief is oft described as being adrift in stormy waters. Those waves of emotion hammering us; holding us under; sucking air from our lungs; pounding our limbs. Coiling us round in their primal roiling. There’s no sense of the surface, when you’re the toy of the undertow…
But for me, that’s not the whole story.
So, here I am, it’s 3 am and fear is playing its game with me again.
Tears. Worry. Anxiety.
Powerlessness presses the air from my lungs.
My puppy dog mind has diarrhoea, I think to myself.
The reframe brings some relief. I imagine a ‘loose’ pooping puppy making a heck of a mess in my mind…
I sit on the side of the bed and let the tears flow.
It’s ok. It’s ok. You’re safe. We’ve got you.
“Really?” I say to the voices I’ve practised imagining in my head. “Because, I’ve got to say it feels FAR from ok and I SO don’t feel safe!
Do you understand the concept of money running out? No steady income? And not knowing what I should be doing every moment of the day to allow myself to align with the abundance I seek? And the exhaustion of constantly second-guessing myself?
Do you actually KNOW what that’s like?”
I all but spit the words out to the Dream Team of my mind’s creating...
Fortunately, they can cope.
“Not really, no, Amanda. You have us there. But that’s because we’re here, where all your abundance IS.
We can’t feel your fear because we know that it’s all working out for you.
We’ve got every desire boxed off. Truly.
Your every dream come true. It’s all here.
We’re bending over backwards to bring you to it.
But you’ve got to make your way here.
There’s no bringing it to you, as you know…”